I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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