After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
