you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
