Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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