I am puke
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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