dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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