i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
