Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
