When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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