im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
