I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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