I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
