don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
