Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
