i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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