Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
