So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
