so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
