I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
