omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
