as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
