Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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