I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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