yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
