I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
