Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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