Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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