I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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