im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
