ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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