Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
