The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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