you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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