I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
