I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
