you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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