im having a threesome with these popsicles
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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