Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
