broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
