I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
