i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
birth control should be required to get into college
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
