when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
