PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
