i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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