just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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