sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
