Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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