Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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