just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Text me some of your sweat
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
