i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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